Gazing into my own eyes, I barely recognize them as my own, as they are open very wide, in a surprised sort of way. The pupils are fully dilated, like the eyes aren't really focusing on any one thing. More, that they are searching for something much larger than can be seen by any one pair of eyes.

As I pan out from my eyes I can see another man, or more, the back of another man. My vision of him is blurred, but as he moves out of my line of sight I can see blood all over my shirt and dripping from the tips of my fingers, as I raise a hand to my face in disbelief.

It is at this moment that I feel the cold hard steel slicing through my guts. Not so much a feeling of pain, as it is of the shockingly cold feeling of someone stuffing an ice cube down your shirt. Feelings of doubt, denial, and helplessness overwhelm me. Why is this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this? Then the finality of it all sets in and my final thoughts are of all of the wonderful things, I have taken so much for granted in my time, that I will never get to do or see again.

*****

That's the dream, those are the feelings that great me every time I close my eyes, and every time I wake up drenched in sweat, clutching my stomach, and desperately trying to reassure myself that everything is still intact.

*****

I wake up, still exhausted, these terrible thoughts inside my head just won't stop. It's five in the morning and I don't have to be up for another couple hours. I roll over and try to imagine something a little less terrifying, but it's no use, I just can't get these vivid images out of my head. So I lay there, trembling, the vision of my own death the only thing I can see. Sleep is such a precious commodity these days. My alarm clock goes off but I'm already painfully aware of what time it is. I force myself out of bed and head towards the shower. I am getting to the point where I can get ready and go to work without putting much thought or effort in to it, the real effort goes into convincing myself to go to work at all. The only reason to go I ever come up with is money. I mean I have tried to live my life needing as little money as possible, but things like rent, gas, and food are somewhat necessary. So off to work I go, all of my thoughts are focused on getting through this day, preferably but not necessarily, with my sanity intact, and more importantly how I can get out of this job and into something better. Unfortunately, I don't really know if there is anything any better, perhaps only different. Sometimes I scare my self because I'll be arriving at work, wondering, "how did I get here?" Or I'll have to look and see what clothes I put on.

Work is a smaller company, comparatively, I suppose. I happen to enjoy working with the people there; it's quite a friendly group, for the most part. But, like in any other company around the world, there is a definite segregation, like high school all over again. The cool kids only talk to other cool kids unless they need something, and when they do talk to someone beneath them it's in a very condescending, patronizing tone. Unfortunately though these are not the cool kids, these are the people supposedly responsible for the growth and proper operation of the company, in short the ass kissers.

I grab a coffee from the lunchroom and stop to say hi to some of my co-workers, and then I'm off to my desk to get some work done. Instead though I am confronted by a vision of a great monster, dragon like in appearance. The monster's large teeth, the kind that could rip a man in half with one fatal bite, and claws that could slice through anything that got in their way, are enough to make me shudder. I shake my head and try to focus on my work. I think to myself this is what happens when I don't get enough sleep at night. I stand up and take a walk around the room, but the vision of this purely evil being keeps lurking around in my head. This is going to be a long day. As time wore on, without me being able to get this image out of my head, I started noticing more and more details about the creature.

It's now quitting time and I feel like I've accomplished nothing all day, well except for obtaining a clear picture of a creature which, to my knowledge anyways, does not exist. The good news is that it's Friday, and after wishing everyone a happy weekend I can't wait to get out of there. I'm exhausted by the time I get home, traffic has been brutal the past couple of weeks, almost like the schools started early this year. I decide to take a nap, hopefully without the dreams or visions. Unfortunately the heat of the late afternoon sun makes this impossible. Besides, there are a million better uses for a hot, late summer day, so I strap on my roller blades and go for a skate. The relaxing quality of the exercise is overwhelming. I feel rejuvenated, joyous, and even a little triumphant. I skate through my quiet neighbourhood, jumping over the occasional manhole, sometimes with a 360 just for fun. There are little or no cars around, and the streets are pretty smooth. The girl a couple of houses down from mine, who I've had my eye on for a little while now, is outside talking to a few of her friends. As I pass by I wave hello, and she waves for me to join them. Her name is Sarah, and she is by far one of the prettiest girls I have ever seen, but the thing that really fuels my fire is her down to earth attitude. She is amazingly level headed, and can keep up her end of a conversation. I skate over to them and Sarah introduces me to her friends.

"This is Mellanie, Jessica, and Robin. Mellanie and Jessica are friends of mine from school, and Robin is my cousin visiting from Colorado."

I was a little self-consciencous because it was a hot day, and I had just been skating, which led me to believe I was a sweaty mess. "Hey, nice to meet you," I respond, and shake each of their hands.

"So how are you doing Josh?" Sarah asks, and you can tell she is really interested in knowing, not like most people who just ask to make conversation, and don't really want to hear the answer anyways.

"I'm doing excellent!" I try to make a conscious effort to be positive.

"Oh, that's great!" she says. Making light of my unusual answer a little.

"Thank-you for asking," I say with a childlike smile on my face, "and how are you today?"

She laughs. I love the way she laughs. The way her nose scrunches up, and her eyes brighten. "Wonderful," she says, "just wonderful."

The social grace of the past has truly died; I think to myself, no one really talks like this anymore. Maybe because it sounds so corny, or maybe just because people don't even care enough these days to even be courteous.

Nearly an hour has gone by and the five of us are still talking. Talking about the weather, about the cars that drive by, even about some of the other neighbours. It really didn't matter much to me what we talked about, I was just happy talking to Sarah.

The sun was just beginning to set, and the sky was the most beautiful palette of colours. There was still some blue left over from the day, orange, and pink, all mixed together with a light shade of purple.

"We had better get going," Sarah said. They were on their way to the movies when I met up with them, and I can only assume that was still the destination. But before they left Sarah invited me to Mellanie's birthday party tomorrow night. Somehow I managed the words "I'd love to," but my heart skipped a couple of beats when she said that, and I really don't think the words came out as easily and freely as I would have liked them to.

"Awesome, meet me here at 7:00 tomorrow, we're going out for dinner, then coming back here. We really gotta get going, but we'll see you tomorrow"

My smile must have been as wide as the golden gate bridge. I skated straight home. The sun was gone now and the only light was that of the moon, which would be full in a couple of more nights, and the harsh yellow light of the street lamps. I really don't like skating after dark, but I am so happy, and it is so short a distance, that I couldn't care less.

I take off my skates, go inside, and turn on the radio. I am really unimpressed with the crap programming that every radio station in this city has decided to play, so I usually wind up listening to the CBC, and then mostly radio two. So that's what I put on, trying to ease my mind a little.

It is a muggy night in mid-August. The heat inside the house is staggering, even though the sun has gone down, so I seek refuge on the steps outside the front door. Leaving it open, to try to cool off the house and to try to catch some of the radio as well, I lay down on the top step. The air outside is dense and humid, but still much better than the air inside the house. The coarse surface of the cement, which is soothingly cool to the touch, digs itself into my skin. The doormat does not make a very good pillow, but it makes a pillow nonetheless.

The low rumble of cars racing by on distant streets reminds me of how everyone always seems to be in such a hurry. After all, time is money, and money is the most important thing in the world. The problem is that too many people believe that shit, and we are all left to choke on the exhaust.

What seemed like a few moments, more likely half an hour, passed, and all I could think about was how much of a negative effect money has had on some of the greatest minds of our time. Then I started thinking about how thinking and worrying about money has taken more time out of my life than I care to admit. A long time ago I promised myself that I would never let money become me, I would never be jealous of someone else's possessions, and most of all that I would never let myself get caught up in the rat race that is our society. As I wonder this I look towards the sky, and the first starlight begins to shine, then another, and another. One by one they appear, as if someone was punching air holes in the shoebox we call earth, and with every new star comes the promise of hope. The promise of something better, if only you know the way.

I wake up, not knowing where I am, and a sinking feeling comes as I realize. I convince myself that if someone would have tried to rob me I would have noticed them walking right over top of me, although I am a heavy sleeper. Thank goodness I live in a quiet neighbourhood. I pick myself up off the steps and go inside, which has cooled quite a bit, to at least a livable temperature. I'm still pretty tired, so I get myself a glass of water, turn off the radio, and go to bed.

Morning comes and goes, and I wind up waking in the early afternoon. I needed that, I think to myself. I haven't had a good night's sleep in almost a week now. Sometimes I feel like sleeping so late is a terrible waste of a good day, but I've tried waking at a decent time, and usually I feel like shit for the rest of the day. By the time I get up, shower, and eat something, it's two o'clock. I decide to go shopping, after all, I can't go to a birthday party without a present now can I? I head down to the mall, trying to think of something to buy for a girl I just met yesterday, but with the added pressure of trying to impress Sarah. Clothes are definitely out, not knowing what size she is or what she would like. Beer probably wouldn't look too good. I don't know what kind of music she would like so a CD is out. Flowers and chocolates seem too boyfriendish for my liking. After quite a while of walking around the stupid mall, not seeing anything that I like, for myself or for Mellanie, I finally decide on a nice candle and candleholder. "Perfect" I figure.

I head home. I show my sister, Kelly, what I bought and she seems to like it, of course she is a little bit younger than Mellanie and Sarah, she's only 14 but she seems old for her age. Feeling pretty confident about the gift, I throw on some jeans and a sweater, and brush my hair and teeth. Usually, I'm not the kind of guy who puts too much effort into looking perfect. I mean the hygiene part is fundamental of course, but I can live if my hair isn't gelled, or my fingernails are a little long. But today I want to look my best, so I spend about an hour shaving, gelling, primping, and prepping, and in the end don't really look that much different. I get out of the washroom expecting to have more time than I really did, which made me all the more thankful when my Kelly handed me the present wrapped beautifully, with ribbons and everything. She did a really great job on it. "Thanks," I said, "I owe you one. How about a milkshake tomorrow?"

"Cool," she said with a look of youthful excitement in her eyes, and a devilish grin that would have turned a preacher's underwear brown.

THE END